Why You Should Not Go to the Bathroom at a Roller Rink

I nearly had one of THE most embarrassing moments of my life!

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Have you ever gone roller skating as an adult? Talk about awkward! Here are all these 5 year olds flying by you, going backwards, doing flips and landing perfect pirouettes. It's quite humiliating, actually. You simply have to resign yourself to skating against the wall avoiding 2 year olds.

You get used to it, of course, and soon you are playing tag and violating other posted rules, (hey, those aren't for adults anyway, right?), but that first moment where you stand up in those roller skates completely rocks your world, as it did mine. So, before venturing out to the floor, I wisely decided that I better use the restroom.

So, imagine the scene. I'm on skates. I'm walking in my skates. I'm thinking about actually letting the skates roll, but there aren't enough awkward stares from strangers to convince me to take that leap of faith just yet!

I hit the bathroom floor and...

WHOOSH! Nearly landed my butt on the bathroom floor! Better hold on to this grimy wall right here.

I make it to the stall and shut the door.

Uhhh, shut the door.


UGH! The door won't close! How am I going to navigate this on roller skates?

Well, ever quick on my feet-err, wheels-and having born three children, thus having to use a public restroom while holding an infant several times (these are the things they don't tell you about at the hospital), I used my left hand to hold the top of the door while my nimble fingers take care of the button and...well, I don't think I need to give too many details.

Ok, so now I'm ready to "assume the position".  I bend my knees and...

Uh, oh.  My arm isn't long enough to reach the top of the door from the sitting position and the door is so tall that I can't even do the filthy-gas-station-restroom position.  (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!)

Again, quick on my wheels and with the speed of fear, I grabbed the bottom of the door and sat down.

I finished, even managing to grab some toilet paper one-handed, and began to stand up and do what you do with a wad of toilet paper. Of course, I'm struggling to do this with my hand holding the bottom of the door, so I quickly and clumsily do what is necessary and then reach for the top.

And here's where it gets awkward. I'm leaning slightly forward, the floor is slanted slightly downward, and as I grab the top of the door, my wheels begin to move out the door!

I'm standing there, pants down, wad of used toilet paper in one hand, top of the door in the other, and I'm rolling forward, heading out of the stall where I can hear some 12-year-olds talking and fixing their silly bandz.

My heart is pounding. Pounding, I tell you! This CANNOT be happening!!!

These 12-year-old girls are about to be surprised by a dorky mom in roller skates rolling out of a bathroom stall, pants down, wad of used toilet paper in her hand, holding the door with the other, and an inability to navigate herself back in. This isn't funny.

Let's weigh my options here:

1) I can roll gracefully out of my stall and pretend it's not happening.

2) I can roll gracefully out of my stall and smile and wave.

3) I can roll gracefully out of my stall and scream for help.

For your sake, I'd like to report that I chose option number 3 because that would make this story so much more fun, but I told you above that this was almost the most embarrassing moment of my life. Yes, I regained control of my feet and I left the door to its semi-closed-but-not-latched self as I hurriedly pulled my pants up and regained my composure. Occasionally, God decides that no blog post is funny enough to top what really was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

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