Say Something

Dear God,

Say something, I'm giving up on You.

Please, God. Say something.

If You don't speak, then I'll be the one if You want me to. Do you want me to pray? Do you want me to beg…again? For the 100th time, are You just waiting for me to ask just one more time?

I've been asking, God. I've been asking like a child, knowing that my Father would answer me. Knowing that my Father knows all the answers. Knowing that He would never leave me nor forsake me in this place of unrest, this place where I'm trying to learn who You are all over again. This place where I find myself alone and I don't hear You and I need You to say something.

God, anywhere… anywhere I would've followed You. I asked You where. I once looked at You with sincerity in my heart and surrender on my face and I said, 'I will go, Lord! I will go! Anywhere." And you said nothing. God, say something, I'm giving up on You.

My childlike faith is gone. I'm alone. Lost like a child, but no longer expecting You to show up. God, say something! Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me Your promises still stand. Tell me they were meant for me, too. Tell me I didn't believe a lie.

Questions…questions…questions… Always more questions and no answers. I used to know all the answers and now I'm feeling so small. My heart is torn from my head and I know nothing at all. Will You hold me accountable to do what's right when I don't even know what's right anymore? Do You demand that I figure it out and then say NOTHING?

Really, God? Really? You tell me to love people while You condemn them? I've opened my heart, God, and it's knocked me to the ground. I don't even know how to walk anymore. I'm just crawling, trying to find my feet, feel any strength, figure out how to walk all over again. Tell me You love like Jesus, God. Like Jesus. Tell me you love like Jesus. Say something.

God, I'm stumbling. Over and over again I stumble and fall. You told me to love like Jesus and I feel like I'm learning how to love in ways I never even knew existed. It's new to me, God, and I no longer feel like a Christian who is used to walking this narrow path, but a baby just starting to crawl. And yet, as I do, it feels like I've got Jesus calling me to keep crawling while You're crushing me down with Your foot and telling me that I'm doing it all wrong. It's as if You don't approve of the way I'm crawling and growing, even though it's the way Jesus showed me to.

 SAY SOMETHING, God! Say something I'm giving up on You.

What did I do wrong, God? I'm sorry. Surely I missed something. I'm clawing my way across the floor, my hands bleeding, my arms weak, as I'm reaching up to You. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to You.

One more time God, one more time, I'll swallow my pride. You're the One that I love. You're all I have to hold on to. I want to leave, to walk away, but where? I don't know any higher power than You and though I don't trust You anymore, I don't trust anything else. If I don't have You, I have no one and no hope, so SAY SOMETHING, God.

Slowly I'm walking away. I'm letting go. I'm saying goodbye. Say something, I'm giving up on You.

I. Would. Have. Gone. Anywhere. I would've followed You, but now I'm too afraid. Can I deny the obvious? Can I go on pretending that everything You said sounds right? Do I have to go on sounding like an idiot, all in the name of making sure people don't see the holes in our system so they won't reject Jesus while I single-handedly send them to hell with their blood on my hands? Do I have to keep hiding from Christians because I dare to be honest and not excuse God? Do I have to shut off my heart and accept the easy answers? I've been asking You… begging You... for direction, but You say nothing!

God, say something, I'm giving up on You.

Say something...


Thank you, Paul Knight, for showing me a new meaning to this song and giving my heart words.



23 comments:

  1. I can't help but immediately think of God whenever I hear that song. I relate to this so much. Thank you.

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    1. I went to a conference last week and one of the instructors talked about times when God is silent. He said he heard this in the background while he was reading an email from someone who was in a similar place and the song took on a whole new meaning to him. He played it for the class and BAM! It became a whole new song.

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    2. "This" refers to the song, "Say Something," not my blog post.

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  2. Oh, Rachael. You are not alone here. I've been and am here and will probably be again. I can't tell you how many blog posts I have drafted just like this. I've found when things get really dark, instead of saying something, He waits until the morning comes and something little breaks through the clouds. A kid at church hugs me, or there's an unexpected gesture of welcome from an acquaintance, or just a pretty day or a sense of peace after a LONG DARK night. Rain after being dry and desert(ed) for such a relentless season does come, but it always seems to take forever. Don't stop looking. Keep seeking Him whether it's quiet or loud, folded hands or busy ones, in a living room with other women, a walk in the park, a cathedral, a beach, a prayer corner, an art class... whatever is your "thin place"... don't give up. Cling to His faithfulness even when He seems wild and distant and fickle. It's so hard to believe He is worth my trust when He's disappointed me so many times, but He always had something better.

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    1. Thank you, anonymous. Glad to know I'm not the only one who cycles. Actually, I kind of felt like I was writing a Psalm because it was so extreme, angry, scared, and completely opposite of what the next Psalm will be!

      Thank you very much for your kind words and for taking the time to write them. I do really appreciate it.

      Can I ask--what is a "thin place"?

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    2. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/11/travel/thin-places-where-we-are-jolted-out-of-old-ways-of-seeing-the-world.html?_r=0

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  3. Yes, this. Yes, exactly. Gentle hugs to you for sharing this.

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    1. Thank you, Robin. Thank you so much! I'm feeling the love. :)

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  5. Thank you for sharing such anguish and pain. I have been there, God answered me, not as I expected and not the way I would have done preferred but His way was way more powerful. May God comfort you in your silence. Praying for your peace as you walk through this valley.
    Illuminating the Shadows
    http://www.renewedheartministries.com/AudioPresentationSeries.aspx?series=42 - See more at: http://rachaeltmickel.blogspot.com/2014/05/say-something.html?showComment=1399442069293#c4410065288580631451

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    1. Thank you, Laura! I will check out that sermon series.

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  6. Beautiful! Powerful. Been there, felt that! Love hearing your perspective on this song. I'm pretty sure I'll think of God every time I hear this song now.

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    1. Yes, it will be a sort of worship song for me now. Perhaps not the kind I sing in church, but the kind that the Psalms are full of. Pretty sure Job would be singing this song, too.

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  7. Thank you for sharing that Rachael. I'm going through a tough time right now, and knowing others struggle with the silence helps.

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    1. After the comments here and by those elsewhere, I have to agree that knowing others struggle with the silence does help! Thank you for sharing that!

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  8. I've often thought of this when I've heard this song - especially being in a season where I'm not hearing anything, as I am right now. I'm glad I'm not alone!

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    1. You are certainly not alone! Look at the comments here and I'll tell you that I have received so many more other places. If so many of us do, I wonder why we don't talk about it to each other more often…or at least once.

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  9. Thanks a lot Rachael for sharing. He really seems silent sometimes but, He's never absent.

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  10. "...all in the name of making sure people don't see the holes in our system so they won't reject Jesus while I single-handedly send them to hell with their blood on my hands?"

    Just wow. I guess I'm not the only one who has these thoughts too. You always find the exact right way to "say something". <3

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    1. I'm glad <> not the only one who has these thoughts! Ha! Thank you for sharing!

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    2. I guess Google doesn't like my self-made punctuation. That was supposed to say, "I'm glad I'm not the only one…" but with some <'s and >'s around "I'M" for emphasis.

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